


Gone

by fourletterwordsstartingwithl (hiddleston_loki_lover_au)



Category: Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Consensual Underage Sex, Gift Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Loki is 17, Loki is a teenage angsty punk, M/M, Sibling Incest, Thor is 18, if you consider 17 underage, stuckythorki secret santa 2016, tagging just in case, who wears sexy af clothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 16:15:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8997847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddleston_loki_lover_au/pseuds/fourletterwordsstartingwithl
Summary: It happened during the summer after he graduated high school.  Thor went backpacking through Europe with Sif, Fandral, Volstagg and Hogun, and came back to a home that was not the home he remembered.Somehow, in those eight weeks, he had lost his brother.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [karuvapatta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/karuvapatta/gifts).



> My contribution to this year's StuckyThorki Secret Santa Event.
> 
> Merry Christmas [karuvapatta](http://www.karuvapatta.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> Beta'ed by my lovelies [Magic](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoCoKrispies/pseuds/CoCoKrispies) and [Sam](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MalfoyLover_1/pseuds/MalfoyLover_1), and by my boo, [Mona](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sexyscholar/pseuds/sexualthorientation), who despite my tanties and crippling self-doubt, continues to support me unwaveringly ❤️❤️❤️

 

 

It happened during the summer after he graduated high school.  Thor went backpacking through Europe with Sif, Fandral, Volstagg and Hogun, and came back to a home that was not the home he remembered.

 

Somehow, in those eight weeks, he had lost his brother.

 

 

 

Thor sat patiently as Odin pulled up in front of the house he had grown up in and smiled as his mother rushed out of the front door and down the steps to greet him, her long green skirt billowing in the breeze.

 

“Oh, my sweet Thor! Come here and give me a hug,” Frigga cried, not even giving Thor time to disentangle himself from the seatbelt before she was pulling him tightly into her arms.  “Oh, I’ve missed you.”

 

Thor closed his eyes and let himself melt into her arms.  She always smelt of Tollhouse cookies, even though she didn’t bake.  She used to joke it was because she was so sweet.

 

“Frigga, let the boy get out of the truck at least,” Odin groused without malice from the back of the truck where he had lowered the tailgate to pull out Thor’s pack before closing it up again.  “He’s just flown twenty hours in coach.  I’m sure he wants to freshen up before you bombard him with affection.”  His shoes crunched on the stone drive as he made his way up to and through the open door.

 

Thor finally stepped out of the truck and after closing the door, let Frigga wrap her arm around his waist and lead him up the steps.  His eyes scanned the front of the house before darting up to the further most window on the right.  The curtains were drawn.  With a tiny frown, he let the slight sting burn in his chest and lowered his eyes back to the open doorway.  “Where’s Loki?”

 

Frigga was currently curled into his side as they stepped inside so he wasn’t able to see her face, but her silence was worrisome, so he prompted her again. “Mum?”

 

“He’s up in his room.”

 

Her voice was even and pleasant, and to an outsider there seemed nothing amiss, but Thor could hear it – the tension, the falseness.  The formality.

 

The tone of her voice worried him – like the air had been pulled from the room, and the once jubilant need to see his brother again suddenly became cloying and desperate, like he couldn’t imagine breathing until they were reunited again.  “I’m going to go up and see him,” he said with a quick squeeze to her waist, stepping out of her hold and up the stairs before she could respond.

 

Thor could hear music with a heavy, distorted bass line thudding through the door, but ventured a knock anyway.  The music continued, even though Thor was almost certain his knocks had been heard.  He waited a moment before knocking again, louder this time.  He knew he had been heard this time, surely.  Still, the music continued and finally Thor huffed in frustration before pounding his fist on the door twice more.

 

“What?” Loki’s muffled voice snapped angrily from inside.  Thor frowned and stood there, not sure what to do.  Announcing himself seemed lame from behind a closed door.  So he simply knocked again, only for the music to lower in volume and allow him to hear the perfectly snarled “Jesus fuck, I’m coming.”

 

Thor lowered his hand and waited as he listened to footsteps – _could footsteps be angry?_ – before the door was wrenched open to reveal Loki.  Thor’s bright, pre-rehearsed smile faltered as he took in the vision of his seventeen year old brother dressed in black skinny jeans with holes torn through the knees, a black tank and black mesh tee.  His dark, lank hair curled slightly around his jaw before falling over his shoulders in waves and his kohl-rimmed eyes were a stark contrast against bone-pale skin, making his eyes seem brighter than the mid green Thor remembered them to be.

 

Loki was _different_.  He had never dressed this way before.  His hair had always been kept long and straight, but he had never not been seen wearing his standard jeans, hoodie and converse combo.  To Thor, he had always been beautiful, even now.  This confronting vision was certainly not something he had ever imagined Loki wearing (his imagination had dressed Loki in many other versions of what he normally wore, even though he refused to allow his mind to delve into _that_ therapy goldmine), though Thor couldn’t say he minded.  

 

“Yeah?” came Loki’s completely unenthusiastic answer. 

 

Thor opened and closed his mouth a few times before narrowing his eyes.  Was this his new ‘thing’?  “I’m back,” he began, “just thought you’d like to know.”

 

Loki casually leaned against the doorframe, his tank hitching to reveal the sharpness of his hip bones as he looked Thor up and down with a sneer before standing straight and shrugging his narrow shoulders.  “Great.”  Then closed the door in Thor’s face.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“What happened?” Thor sat at the dining room table later that afternoon.  He was beyond tired, but was forcing himself to stay awake to realign his body’s biological clock.  “To Loki?”

 

Frigga passed Thor a mug of coffee before sitting down with her own cup of tea, her eyes tight.  “I don’t know. It started about a week after you left.  He disappeared for the weekend and when he came back, he was… different.  The clothing aside, he was rude and sharp and… not at all like my Loki.  Your father was infuriated to say the least; instantly grounded him.”

 

Thor nodded, knowing full well the temper of Odin Börson.

 

“And?” he prompted, knowing full well there was more.

 

“Then he was arrested a week ago.”

 

The shock on Thor’s face must have broken some retaining wall inside his mother; her breath hitched as she continued.  “He and those awful _friends_ of his were caught trying to break into cars downtown. Loki was arrested for being an accessory, but he was let off with a warning because he wasn’t actually caught doing anything – the other boy, Surtur, was the one breaking in.”

 

Thor leaned forward and laid his hand over Frigga’s in some effort to comfort his mother.  “When we bailed him out and got home, it was awful.”

 

“Did he yell?”

 

Frigga eyes became wet with unshed tears and she shook her head in dismay.  “No, sometimes I think back and wish he had!  H-he just switched off.  Loki has always been too stubborn, too headstrong for his own good – takes after his father that way, but Thor… it wasn’t _him_.  He just stood there while Odin shouted down at him.  His face, Thor – it was like he wasn’t even there!  He just shrugged his shoulders and went to his room.”  Her voice shook and she took a small sip of her tea, more out of a need to do something to occupy her hands.  “We didn’t see him for days.  He only left his room to eat at night – I could hear him head downstairs and heat his food up.  It was like, one day he was there and the next… he was just gone.”

 

Thor tipped back the rest of his coffee and frowned.  “Surtur, you say?  Is he a friend from school?”

 

“I don’t think he goes to school at all, let alone Loki’s school,” Frigga replied.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Loki was only a year younger; Frigga always told her eldest she had been delighted when she fell pregnant with him so soon after Thor – a blessing after years of unsuccessful attempts at a family. 

 

People often mistook them for friends – even cousins, but rarely as brothers.  Where Thor had been stout and ruddy with golden curls tumbling like sunlight, Loki had been small and dark; healthy, but petite, with porcelain-pale skin and serious eyes.  However, he only looked delicate – making sure all those around him knew he was just as fierce as his brother, refusing to be treated differently to Thor.  He had found himself on the receiving end of punches and kicks on more than one occasion, letting only Thor know how much it hurt him.  Middle school had been an endless brawl for Loki, like swimming upstream.  Friends had come easily to Thor, but Loki seemed to revel in his solitude. 

 

The only person Loki seemed to gravitate towards was Thor, for which he was grateful. There was no one Thor wanted with him more than his lovely, quiet brother.

 

Even as the years passed and Thor’s popularity grew, he still preferred Loki’s company over most others.  Even when they were apart, Thor would often find himself thinking of Loki; wondering what he was up to, who he was with.  At first he thought the bitter, hot press in his gut at the idea of Loki with anyone else was simply one brother looking out for his younger sibling, but when he began to lie awake at night, thinking about Loki in the room next to his – if he was awake as well, what he looked like underneath his clothing, if his skin was smooth, if he had muscles yet like Thor was developing across his own firm torso – and finding himself rolling his hips into the mattress, his cock pulsing hot come into his pyjamas with Loki’s name silent on his lips, he realised it was something far greater.

 

And far, far worse.

 

What he felt when he looked at Loki confused him.  After the first time he had stroked himself to completion thinking about touching Loki, he had stripped off his clothes, throwing them across the room in disgust before racing to the shower to wash the evidence from his skin.  Forehead pressed against the tiles, he had tried to convince himself he had hallucinated – he didn’t want Loki _that_ way – it was a mistake.  Just stupid teenage hormones.

 

But then it happened again the next night, and a few nights after that.  Pretty soon, Thor couldn’t get off to anything except the thought of Loki laying beneath him.

 

Thor spent his senior year trying to ignore what he felt.  He watched Loki ace his junior year and pull amazing grades – Thor knew Loki would be accepted into any college he applied for in a year’s time.  Thor was accepted into more than expected, finally settling on one with a prestigious Science Program.  Whether he chose the university because he had heard Loki bragging to their mother about it one afternoon was neither here, nor there.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

A few days later, Thor met back up with Sif, Fandral, Volstagg and Hogan at Fandral’s house, going over their trip and dividing up their souvenirs.  It had been agreed Fandral brought them back in his luggage as he had the lightest pack in the end.  They were currently sitting around his friend’s messy room looking at the gifts in a pile on the carpet.

 

“The snow-globe from Valencia was mine,” Sif said, reaching forward to claim it.

 

“I wanted the miniature clogs from Amsterdam,” cried Fandral, even as Volstagg and Hogan enthusiastically took what was theirs.

 

There was only one souvenir Thor wanted or cared about.  It was the only one he had spent time choosing.

 

It was a leather-bound journal with _Hveðrungr_  pressed into the inside cover.  He had been helping Loki with a school project one afternoon months ago, and they had stumbled upon the Old Norse origin of Loki’s name.  Loki always found it kind of cool, although he made Thor swear not to tell anyone.  So when he was travelling through Northern Norway and came across the book in a small leather goods shop, he knew instantly he had to have it.

 

He picked it up and turned it over in his hands.  It was soft and buttery, the loveliest of tan leathers.  He opened the front cover and smiled down at the lettering, punched and overlaid in beautiful script.  Loki had always had an intense love of books, and Thor was willing to put money down on him loving this gift.  Although, now he wasn’t so sure.  Loki’s less than warm welcome had him questioning everything he thought he knew about his brother.

 

Thor had only been gone eight weeks – what had happened to change him so?

 

Maybe this was what was needed to bring him back.

 

He squeezed the book in his hand before slipping it into his satchel and re-joining the fray, laughing as he watched Hogun and Fandral fight over a Colosseum-shaped fridge magnet from Rome.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The following few days brought no change from Loki and no more answers for Thor.  Loki kept to his room almost all of the time, until late one night when Thor found him creeping down the stairs only to startle when he saw Thor lounging on the sofa watching some crappy late night movie.  Without a word, he turned and headed back up the stairs.

 

The second night Loki came downstairs, Thor was watching the music channel when he caught movement in the corner of his eye.  He pretended not to notice at first, hoping that Loki would come to him.  Only, when nothing had happened after more than five minutes, he turned and found Loki gone.

 

The next night, Loki came down the stairs and went straight into the kitchen, ignoring Thor altogether.  Thor paused what he was watching and got up to follow.  Loki was drinking a glass of juice from the fridge, leaving the door wide open, its tiny light the only source in the darkened room.  Thor stepped into the room, letting his eyes fall on the shadowed silhouette of Loki, dressed in a black cotton tee and what Thor swore were the tightest black sweatpants he’d ever seen, so stark against the alabaster of Loki’s skin.

 

“Did you want to come watch Game of Thrones with me?”  He was proud his voice was delivered with such steady cadence.

 

Loki had his back to Thor as he finished off his drink, stepping to the side to let the fridge door shut with a shrug.  “Fine.”

 

Thor ignored the flutter of joy that was suddenly released in his chest as he turned and went back to the living room, resetting the episode to the start.  Loki came in a few minutes later and took his place at the opposite end of the sofa.  He had poured himself another drink and had thought to grab a packet of Kettle Chips from the pantry.  Thor watched him settle into the cushions, drawing his feet up before opening the crisps and most definitely _not_ looking in Thor’s direction.

 

Thor pressed play, sat back and stared at the screen, not absorbing anything that was happening.  He spent the next hour or more watching Loki from the corner of his eye.  Watched him eat his crisps and drink his juice and stretch out on the sofa. 

 

But mostly, he watched Loki watch him.

 

He hoped Loki didn’t notice Thor notice him back.

 

His face burned with how much he wanted to turn to him, but he knew his skittish brother would flee.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Thor spent most of Friday afternoon at Sif’s making plans with the gang to head out the following night when he came home to find Odin and Loki in an argument.  Frigga was sitting at the dining room table with her head in her hands, her chest rising and falling in deep breaths, trying to calm herself down.  Thor dumped his bag and rushed over to kneel and pull her into a hug, cupping the back of her head gently and letting her sob.  Her hair was soft as he combed his fingers through it, closing his eyes and breathing in her sweet scent before raising his eyes to look out through the gossamer curtains that lined the doors.  He could see Odin and Loki standing out on the back deck; Odin was shouting and pointing and Loki was looking off across the back yard, his arms wrapped around himself.

 

“What’s going on?” Thor whispered into Frigga’s hair.

 

“Loki went to leave and Odin told him he wasn’t allowed.”

 

“Leave where?”

 

“He won’t say, but I just _know_ it’s somewhere with that Surtur boy,” she hiccupped softly, relaxing against Thor’s shoulder.  He ran his hands up and down her back in an unconscious attempt to sooth her, even though he was focused on the argument taking place just outside.

 

He couldn’t make out the exact words through the French doors, only the deep rumble of Odin’s voice.  Loki remained seemingly unmoved, still staring out over the back lawn, an occasional shrug the only indication he was even listening to his father.  Minutes passed with nothing more said.  Thor remained comforting his mother until she leaned back, breaking their embrace and scrubbing at her face with shaking hands.  The silence outside had somehow crept up on them, Thor realising they had come to some kind of impasse.  The breeze fluttered the curtains, hiding Loki’s face from Thor.  His stance spoke volumes though, and with an angry shake of his head, Odin strode back inside, storming past Thor and Frigga and shutting himself away in his study.

 

Frigga stood and looked down at Thor.  “I’m going to bed.”  Her voice was brittle.  Thor watched her go before leaning back and closing his eyes.

 

Minutes later, it was the soft click of the door closing that roused him once more.  He watched as Loki stood not six feet away, arms crossed, impervious expression.  His apathetic persona sharpened to a fine point.

 

His hand remained on the handle, nails rough where he had picked at the black polish.  His cuticles looked red and bloody, a nervous habit developed by his younger sibling these past few years – usually around finals.  Right now, they looked angry and sore, Thor’s only indication that this entire situation was affecting him at all.  A sudden _tsk_ from Loki had Thor’s eyes shooting up to meet Loki’s narrowed gaze.  “What are you waiting for?” he snapped.

 

Thor didn’t understand at first, tilting his head and letting his confusion show.  When he watched Loki stare back out through the curtains at the now darkened sky, he saw the tell-tale flush of embarrassment.  _Oh_!  He was waiting for Thor to say something snide, having just witnessed Loki’s reprimand.

 

What shocked Thor more than Loki’s attitude was that he wanted to.  Thor _wanted_ to yell at him.  Shake him. Get through to him somehow.  He wanted to know what had happened, what had turned his brother into the ornery man that stood before him.  And yes, maybe he wanted to behave just as vindictive, and maybe even a little mean.  He just wanted his Loki back.

 

Instead he shrugged and stood up.  “Why?  It’s not like I know what’s going on with you.  You won’t even talk to me anymore.  You’re a stranger to me.”

 

The choked off gasp and widened eyes told Thor he’d found his mark.  The darkened expression that followed however, was not what Thor wanted and at that very moment, he wished more than anything that he could take back what he had said.

 

If only wishes were real and do-overs existed.

 

“And whose fault is that?” Loki hissed, dropping his hand from the door and clenching a fist at his shirt.  His eyes shone with tears and Thor had to suppress the urge to gather him up in his arms.  “You’re the one who left—”

 

“I was only gone for eight weeks, Lo.” Thor admonished, taking a step forward. “You knew I was leaving!”

 

Loki recoiled as if Thor had slapped him, his hands up in warning.  “And you’re leaving again in a month.” 

 

Thor struggled to understand Loki’s anger.  It didn’t seem rational at all – though what anger was – and it appeared as if Loki was angry at _him_ specifically – that he was blaming Thor for what was happening to him… everything that had happened not long after he had left.  Because he had left.  “I-is this because of school?  You don’t want me to leave?”

 

A pause – and then Loki disappeared, hiding behind his apathy again.  “As if, Golden Child,” he sneered.  “Don’t flatter yourself.”

 

“But you ju—”

 

“Whatever.  I’m outta here.”  Loki strode past Thor and took the stairs two-at-a-time.  His bedroom door slammed with a thud, leaving Thor standing exactly where he was, wondering if the racing beat of his heart would ever slow.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So, what you’re saying is that you’re bailing on us to what, baby-sit your _seventeen year old_ brother?”  Sif’s voice wavered between incredulous and sarcastic. 

 

Thor rolled his eyes.  “Sif,” he warned before continuing, “I leave for college in just under a month.  Loki and I have always been close – there was never anything he couldn’t come to me with, and now this?  I feel I need to stay home and see if I can’t get through to him.”

 

Thor ignored the scoff on the other end of the line as he leaned back against the headboard of his bed. He picked at his tee shirt. As thin as it was, it still felt stifling in the stuffiness of his room.

 

“Fine, whatever,” she mumbled.  “I guess the next time any of us need to get your attention, we’ll just act like immature douches too.”

 

“Why wait, you’re doing a really good impression right now,” Fandral added, reminding the others their phone call contained more than just Thor and Sif.  “Sif, just back off.”

 

“But—”

 

“Hope you get through to him, man,” Fandral continued, ignoring their salty friend until she eventually huffed.

 

Fandral could be flaky, but dammit if he didn’t come through when Thor needed him most.  “Thanks, Fan.  I gotta go, I might grab a shower before bed – this sticky ass weather is killing me.”

 

“Ahh, Florence.  It was hot there too.  Do you remember that one club with the twins?”

 

Thor laughed weakly and they all said their goodnights.  Even Sif, who would rather chew off her own foot than part on poor terms with Thor.

 

He threw his phone onto his side table. He stalked over to the window, lifting it open enough for the weak breeze to flow in.  He sighed and was about to turn away intent on that shower, when movement caught his eye.  He leaned closer, making sure to stay behind the cover the soft curtain offered, his sight sharpening as the seconds ticked by.

 

He watched Loki scale down the lattice façade of their house before dropping the last few feet onto the garden bed directly below him.  Seconds later and he was off, striding across the front lawn and down the footpath.  The solar lights dotted the gravel drive all the way down to the main road.

 

Before he realised what he was doing, Thor had pulled on his sneakers within a minute, was jogging down the stairs and out the front door with his keys in hand and his wallet in his pocket.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Loki was walking slightly faster than a casual pace, clearly wanting to get out of the neighbourhood as fast as he could without drawing attention to himself.  Thor found he had to jog to catch up, worried he would miss his brother before reaching the end of the street.

 

Thor felt winded, but tried not to focus on the sharp stitch in his side, or the worrying thoughts swirling around in his stomach.  _It’s too late.  You can’t reach him.  He just wants you gone._

Instead, he pushed through them, going until he reached the main road.

 

He reached the busy main strip a few minutes later, slowing down to check which way Loki had gone, finding him walking towards the train station a block down from where Thor was.  At that moment, the nearby signals began to chime and the boom gates slowly lowered.  Thor dashed across the road and, after watching Loki board the first carriage, he slipped into the last carriage just as the doors were closing.

 

After buying a ticket from the machine, he made his way to the front of the car, spying Loki through the doors joining their carriages.  He was dressed in tight, black skinny jeans and a gold-sequined cropped tee that hung off one shoulder, with his hair hanging loose.  Loki stood leaning against the wall near the first doors while scrolling through his phone, Thor’s eyes following the long, tapered line of his legs down to where the heeled boots Loki wore met the cuff of his jeans.  He had them crossed at the ankle, the patent leather reflecting the sallow, flickering fluoro from above.  Once again, Loki looked nothing like how he used to dress, but Thor loved how he looked now.  Seeing him dressed that way made him feel warm.  He was Loki, but he didn’t look like Loki, even though he _was_ Loki – which made it easier in Thor’s mind – like the struggle he had with his feelings towards his brother were lessened, if only for a fleeting moment.

 

Thor felt both relief and unequivocal dread, not knowing whether to walk through and make himself known or to sit down and wait it out.  In the end, the decision was made for him when they stopped at the next station and a girl approached Loki through the open doors.  They embraced and took a seat near where Loki had been standing.  She wore a tight, black bandage dress with her bright, red hair pulled up in a high ponytail.  She was gorgeous and suddenly Thor’s face felt hot; Loki was seeing someone and he didn’t know.  He was so stunned that he just stood there, blocking the adjoining doors while people milled around him.  The train began to move again and Thor was almost jerked off his feet when the carriage shunted.

 

Thor suddenly balked and quickly took a seat, not knowing what to do but give in to his inexplicable need to stay.  He reminded himself of their father, hounding Loki’s every move like this, but it didn’t change the fact that he loved Loki fiercely and didn’t want him to be hurt.   She looked like she was dressed to party, which of course then explained how Loki was dressed.  It also meant they were probably heading into the city.  People in their little town just didn’t dress that way.

 

He sat in his seat, watching them through the window.  They weren’t displaying any outward signs of affection, but they were sitting close, hunched together while Loki showed her something on his phone.  Thor’s stricken heart squeezed tighter still when he watched her say something before beginning to laugh and he saw Loki smile in reply.

 

It was then he realised how much he missed seeing Loki’s smile.

 

The train slowed as it pulled into the final station.  Thor glanced out the side to see the city skyline lit up so brightly, you couldn’t see the stars for the glare and it made him think of people living their whole lives not knowing the beauty of something right in front of them, but hidden from plain sight.

 

With a sigh, he stood and slipped off the train, keeping his brother in his eye-line, but hanging back enough not to be noticed.

 

He felt so detached from everything right then and made the decision to leave.  He knew Loki had slipped out against their father’s wishes and he was probably going to be held accountable for knowingly letting his brother go, but he didn’t think he could bear to see Loki with her a minute more.

 

He watched Loki and the girl make their way to the end of the platform, only instead of turning right to head out into the city, they turned left and approached one of the other trains currently pulling in.  For a heartbeat, Thor panicked, thinking they were heading somewhere he couldn’t follow, but then a boy who looked around Loki’s age ran up to them and threw his arms around both of their shoulders.

 

Thor stopped where he had been cautiously following and turned quickly around when he realised they were heading back his way.  With his heart very much lodged in his throat, he ran over to a bank of ticket machines and pressed himself into the corner with his back out, listening as they passed.

 

“Whatever, Surtur.  All I’m saying is that you’re full of shit and there’s no way they’re letting us in,” Loki said, voice void of emotion. Thor turned his head when he heard their voices getting farther away and watched all three of them disappear down the stairs.

 

He resumed following them, thoughts of returning home now completely dissipated.

 

Once out on the streets of the city, it was much easier to blend in and follow them without running the chance of losing them – or being seen.  The boy – Surtur – led Loki and the girl along one of the main strips, clubs at every turn, but he didn’t take them into any of them, instead he turned them down a small alley and away from the din of the larger clubs.

 

Thor stopped at the corner and watched them approach a black door with a few blinking lights on the mantle above it.  To Thor, it appeared to be nothing – there were no windows, no sign of life – but when Surtur knocked, it suddenly opened and after speaking to the tall, tattooed bouncer, cash was pressed into his hand and they were granted entry.

 

The entire exchange took less than thirty seconds and, with a sudden, sinking realisation, Thor found himself with no way of knowing if Loki was okay.  He stepped into the alley, but didn’t come any closer, still unsure of what he should do.  Should he follow Loki into the club?  If he did, he would at least be able to keep an eye on him and make sure he was safe.  On the other hand, if Loki spotted him, it could result in him pushing Thor even further away.  Surtur had already fucked him around once this summer – there was no way Thor was going to let him do it again. 

 

While he leaned against the nearby wall, shoulders hunched and lost in thought, a couple walked past him.  Thor watched as they followed the same routine as Loki and his friends, knocking on the door and sliding bills to the bouncer before heading inside.

 

Thor guessed the place was a word-of-mouth club, similar to one he and his friends visited in Barcelona with a group of locals they’d met at the hostel where they’d stayed.  It seemed they were the same, no matter what country you were in – plain door, exchange of money and you were in.  If he was careful, Thor was sure he could slip in without Loki seeing him.  He just wanted to make sure his brother was safe.

 

Before he could talk himself out of it, Thor walked up to the door and knocked. It opened outwards and the bouncer stepped out.  “Twenty.”

 

Thor reached into his pocket and pulled the money out, pressing it into the man’s beefy hand before he could see how shaky with nerves Thor was.  The bouncer must have trusted Thor’s ability to count – or he just didn’t care – because he simply pocketed the cash and stood back to let him pass.

 

The club was smaller than he thought, which had him panicking as he searched for cover, but it was dark, with the exception of the DJ station in the corner and the dance floor.  There was a bar on the far side, lit with dim lamps across the counter.  Thor found himself searching through the crowd, but it was hard in the low light, even with what Loki was wearing.

 

He found the girl first, her red hair standing out across the sea of black.  She was currently draped across the lap of a man as he sat on a plush sofa in the corner – a man that was _not_ Loki.  Thor’s eyes continued to travel across the room.  The fast beat of the current song petered out and suddenly there was a lull – Thor held his breath and continued to search, releasing the hold once the next song started up – its bass line heavy and slow as it vibrated inside Thor’s chest.  The strobe slowed and suddenly the dance floor was engulfed in deep red light.  Thor’s eyes were drawn and that’s when he saw him.

 

 _Loki_.

 

Dancing with someone.  Someone blond, tall and who looked a lot like…

 

Well shit, it was like Thor was looking into a mirror.

 

The guy had his blond hair piled on top of his head in a loose bun (like Thor sometimes did) and his white shirt was opened at the throat to show off his muscled chest.  His thick arms were currently wrapped around Loki’s smaller frame, hands squeezing and clenching at Loki’s hips as they rolled together in a slow grind in time with the beat, Loki’s back pressed against the other man’s chest.  Loki’s arms were raised and slowly caressing his own throat, down over his collarbones and his chest where the golden sparkle of his shirt was clinging tightly.

 

Thor felt an uncomfortable tightness in the front of his jeans – the thought of someone fucking Loki bringing feelings he wasn’t ready to face to the forefront.  Mostly because as much as he tried to deny it, he knew – especially after seeing Loki dance with this _other Thor_ – that he wanted to be the only one to fuck Loki.  _Only_ him.

 

Jealousy burned hot in his chest – so hot, he could taste the bitter burnt on his tongue.  He wanted to walk over and rip Loki from the other man’s arms because he wanted _his_ arms to be the arms Loki held, but he stayed his hand.

 

Loki suddenly reached up and dragged the other man’s face down and Thor watched as Loki whispered something in his ear, his hips slowing to a stop as the song ended.  As Loki went to walk off, the man took hold of his arm and pulled Loki back into his embrace, his head shaking and his body language clearly enraged.  Another song started up then, preventing Thor from hearing what he said to Loki.  However, the sharp crack of Loki’s hand across the guy’s cheek couldn’t be drowned out by the music, nor was the shouted ‘ _fuck you!’_ delivered a second later.  The man’s grasp on Loki’s arm didn’t relent, even with the slap, which had Thor seeing red and storming across the room before he could stop himself.

 

“Get the fuck away from him,” Thor snarled, “or so help me my fist is going to make you wish you had!”

 

“What the hell, Thor?” Loki exclaimed, finally wrenching his arm free of the other man and stumbling towards his brother.  “What are you doing here?” His face froze in shocked silence for a moment before he scowled.  “You followed me?”

 

“It doesn’t matter right now.  Who is this?” Thor’s voice barely a growl, he was surprised he could be heard over the music.  Loki looked back to the other man, who was looking at both of them with angry confusion.

 

“He’s no one!”

 

“Fuck you, you little slut,” the man hissed, making another grab at Loki.  “Cock teases like you need to learn your place.”

 

Thor launched forward and twisted the man’s arms behind his back before he had a chance to touch Loki, pushing him away before things escalated any further...  His body was thrumming with adrenaline and, as much as he wanted to pummel this man into the floor for harassing Loki, he mostly just wanted to drag his brother out of there and take him home.

 

“Just leave,” Loki reasoned with an eye-roll.  “My brother’s a stubborn prick and you’ll only get your ass handed to you if you continue to act like an asshole.”

 

“Fuck you,” the man said again, storming off and leaving the brothers standing beside one another in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by dancing couples, the red light hot against their skin.

 

Thor reached out a hand towards Loki, but it was slapped away.  “I cannot believe you followed me!”

 

“What did you expect?  You snuck out of the house!”

 

“This has nothing to do with you!  You’re leaving for college in a few weeks; nothing has anything to do with you anymore!”

 

“That doesn’t even make sense, Loki,” Thor pleaded, reaching out again, this time setting his hands on Loki’s narrow shoulders.  “Please, just come home with me.”

 

His hand wasn’t slapped away, but the tension in Loki’s shoulders told Thor all he needed to know.  “No.  I’m here with my friends.”

 

Thor looked around the club, Surtur’s whereabouts still alluding him.  He spotted the girl, who was now dancing with the man she had been perched upon earlier.  “You mean her?”

 

“Lorelei,” Loki provided.

 

“Yeah, whatever.  What about your other friend?” Thor huffed, his hand kneading Loki’s shoulder unconsciously.

 

“He’s around,” Loki bit out before walking off towards the bar. Thor watched him go and stood among the dancing people with his heart in his throat.

 

He followed his brother after a moment, because of course he followed Loki.

 

Loki was drinking deeply from a bottle of water when Thor reached him.  Even watching Loki pull mouthfuls of water from the upturned bottle was beautiful – his throat rolling with the swallows, the drops that missed his mouth and ran down along his jaw – all of it beautiful, and inherently sexual.

 

“We need to go, Loki.”

 

“No, you need to leave me alone,” Loki dropped the now-empty bottle into a nearby bin before trying to side-step his brother.  Thor gently placed his arm out in front to prevent him passing and Loki paused for a moment before finally sighing.  “Fine!  Just let me say goodbye to my friends.”

 

Thor followed closely behind and waited while Loki hugged Lorelei, whispering something into her ear, Thor watching as her eyes flicked to him for a split second before whispering something back and kissing him hard on the lips.

 

If Surtur was still around, Loki made no attempt to find him, instead they left the club without further comment.

 

“What about your other friend?”  Thor asked once they were outside.

 

Loki blinked.  “What other friend?”

 

Thor huffed at Loki’s banal game.  “The other kid you came in here with.”

 

“Oh, you mean Surtur?”

 

“Yeah.  Him.”

 

Loki sneered.  “Why? You gonna beat him up, too?”

 

That gave Thor pause.  Had Loki… with Surtur?  Rage bubbled in his stomach like bile, but he closed his eyes and let it pass.  He wasn’t interested in getting into another shouting match with his brother. He just wanted to take him home.  “You got wrapped up in a lot of shit because of him,” he said finally.

 

Loki shrugged, like he was bored of the conversation already.  “He already hooked up with someone and left.”

 

Thor let his breath escape in a drawn out hiss, finishing with a huff.  “Of course he did.”

 

“Don’t judge – I’m sure you fucked your way across Europe with no problem.”

 

Actually, Thor hadn’t fucked anyone while in Europe.  Something had always held him back.  While his friends – even Sif – had hooked up with people along the way, Thor couldn’t bring himself to sleep with anyone.  No one was _right_ – their hair hadn’t been dark enough, their skin not pale enough, their body not lithe enough.

 

Basically, they weren’t Loki.

 

“I didn’t fuck anyone while I was overseas.”

 

Loki rolled his eyes.  “Sure, whatever.”

 

They reached the end of the alley, stepping out into the din and lights of the main strip.  Loki turned left and started walking back towards the train station, but Thor took hold of his hand and lead him back over towards the line of cabs parked along the street.

 

“We’re taking a cab,” was all Thor said before opening the back door of the first cab in the line and pushing his brother inside.

 

After sliding in after him, Thor leaned forward and gave the driver their address through the barrier before sitting back. “So, are we going to talk or what?”

 

“What is there to talk about?” Loki murmured softly as he stared out of his window, his fingers unconsciously picking at his cuticles again. 

 

Loki had taken to staring out of his window, his face in profile to Thor.  Even as angry and frustrated as Thor was with him and the situation they inevitably found themselves in, he couldn’t help but still want Loki to tell him to shut up and stay.  Because surely then, Thor would know for certain why Loki was acting the way he was and not this contrary angry person who used to be his brother.  Loki used to follow him everywhere – Thor guessed Loki had grown out of his adolescent admiration and into this completely different beast.

 

Still, the sting was bitter, knowing Loki no longer gravitated towards him.

 

The traffic outside began to die out as the cab pulled out onto the freeway.  Thor took one last glance at the skyline before rubbing his palms up and down his jean-clad thighs.  Why was he so nervous?

 

“Why you’ve suddenly become so angry, for one thing?  Why the smartest person I know has suddenly turned into a petty crim who steals cars for some random nobody.  Or why you won’t look at me anymore.  How about we start with those three and work our way back?”

 

Thor hadn’t meant to sound bitter; his surplus jealousy and impotent frustration from the club had reduced to a simmer, but Loki’s continued apathy had sent it bubbling over again, pulling Thor back into his sour mood.

 

Loki remained quiet, and Thor wondered if he’d ever speak to him again.   Then his brother turned his head and looked him dead in the eye.  “I have no problem looking at you, Thor.  See?  Seriously, are you trying to be philosophical with me right now?”  He smirked before returning to look out of the window.  “And my friends are fun.  Surtur is fun.  He’s not serious like you.  He knows how to have a good time.”

 

Thor gritted his teeth at the nuanced implication of Loki’s words.  “Oh, and I suppose he’s shown you a good time more than once?”

 

Loki snorted.  “As if.  Surtur is definitely _not_ my type.”

 

Thor turned and looked at Loki’s profile where the street lights passed shadows across his face in rapid flashes.  “I got that.  We both know what your type is.”

 

Loki’s expression flashed quickly from hurt to anger to… nothing, and Thor immediately regretted his words.  Thor turned and looked out of his own window now, the inclination to talk no longer within him.

 

Minutes later, the cab took the exit ramp and they were suddenly back in suburbia.  Thor began to relax when they finally entered the familiar streets of their neighbourhood.  Loki, on the other hand, looked the very epitome of anxiety.  With a panicked sniff, he leaned forward.  “Can you pull over and let me out?”

 

“Loki, wait.”

 

“Let me out!” Loki shouted, ignoring him.

 

The driver slowed and pulled over with a curt nod.  Before he had completely come to a stop, Loki had leapt out of the car and was now running away across a park.  Thor glanced down and noticed Loki’s phone on the seat.  He grabbed it, gave the driver an apologetic look through the mirror and handed over the fare with a generous tip.  Then, slipping out of the cab, he took off running to catch his brother.

 

“Loki, stop!”

 

Thor could see Loki struggling to put any discernible distance between them due to his heeled boots, watching as his unsteady legs wobbled on the uneven turf of the park.  _So stubborn_!  Eventually he came to a stop with his head hanging low, allowing Thor to catch up.  As he reached his side, Thor could hear the wet gasps of air Loki was dragging in.  He could see his shaking hand run through his hair, pulling at it as he murmured to himself.

 

Thor didn’t know what to do.  It had been so much easier when they had been younger, when Loki had adored him and he could do no wrong in his brother’s eyes.  Now, Loki was something else and he was suddenly faced with that reality.

 

Loki was hurt and Thor didn’t know what to do.  He loved Loki and just wanted him to be happy. 

 

“What happened back there?”

 

Loki turned and stalked back towards Thor.  “You had no right to follow me,” he snarled through clenched teeth.

 

Thor couldn’t argue the point, because even though his intentions were to simply make sure Loki was kept safe, he really did have no right to spy on him.  He tried a different tack.  “So the guy at the club was…?”

 

Loki growled and pushed past Thor.  “Why do you even care?” he asked, voice wavering.

 

Thor stood there, watching Loki’s back and the hurried rise and fall of his shoulders, and knew he only had a precious few moments before Loki would flee.  He couldn’t let that happen, not before he got an answer to the question that had been burning his brain since he saw Loki dancing at the club with a man that might as well have been him.  He reached out and placed his hand on Loki’s shoulder.  “Because he looked just like me,” he whispered.

 

Before he knew what was happening, Loki had whipped around, grabbed him by his biceps and was kissing him – pressing his lips painfully against Thor’s.  It was harsh and fast and he could taste Loki when he swiped his tongue across Thor’s.  Loki’s long fingers kneaded Thor’s arms before he slid his hands up into Thor’s hair with a quiet moan.

 

Thor had been caught off guard.  He hadn’t had time to close his eyes, so he saw the moment the stricken look of mortification flashed across Loki’s face before he stumbled backwards, arms flailing as he turned in an arc to land on his hands and knees on the damp grass.  Moments later, he began to throw up everything in his stomach.

 

Thor brought a hand up to press against his lips where not a moment earlier Loki had been kissing him.  His heart was hammering wildly in his chest and although the rational part of his mind was screaming at him to help his brother through this, he needed a moment to sort through all the emotions currently surging through his body.  He was stunned, confused, and more than a little turned on.  He gritted his teeth and decided to ignore them, quashing it deep down for analysis later.

 

It took another minute for Loki to stop heaving.  By then Thor had come over to stand beside him.

 

“Loki?”

 

“Oh, just fuck off!”

 

“Why wou—”

 

“Why?  Because I’m in love with you.  _Fuck_!  Jesus, you’re so incredibly dense sometimes!”

 

Thor was stunned into silence by the raw anger in Loki’s voice as he spat them – like the words themselves were razors and his voice the blood that spilled from the wound.

 

He made to step towards his brother as he lay crumpled on the damp grass, but Loki raised a hand to stop him, his head still bowed over the foamy pool of vomit.  “Just leave me the fuck alone, Thor.  There’s nothing you can do here right now to make this any better,” he wheezed, “take your pity and your Dudley-Do-Right attitude and just go _home_.”

 

Thor realised that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with Loki tonight. With a heavy sigh, he dropped Loki’s phone onto the ground beside him, turned, and walked away.

 

Thor could never deny Loki anything.

 

 

* * *

 

 

He couldn’t sleep. He lay awake that night, listening for Loki to return.  He just needed to know his brother was okay.

 

Thor ran the scene through his mind over and over – the kiss, Loki’s reaction, and more importantly, _his_ reaction.

 

When he finally succumbed to fatigue and fell asleep, the pale rays of light from the rising dawn were peeking through his curtains.

 

Loki had still not returned.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Thor pounded on the door of Surtur’s apartment, his fist breaking off the curling tendrils of peeling paint as the booms of his knocks echoed through the wood.  It was early Sunday morning two days later and Thor had finally tracked Loki down.

 

_It only took a few phone calls and a few not-so-gentle threats to get the address of Loki’s new ‘friend’.  He silently thanked God that Fandral knew a lot of people; he had Lorelei’s number in less than ten minutes of Thor reaching out to him._

_Lorelei was not happy when Thor had turned up at her parents’ house an hour earlier, if the sneer and attempt to slam the door in his face was any indication._

 

He continued to knock, not caring if he woke the whole apartment complex.  After a few more minutes, Thor finally heard movement from inside seconds before the door was opened.  Thor didn’t give Surtur a chance to shut the door in his face, simply pushing his way in and storming over to where Loki was laying on the sofa, completely clothed.

 

Loki looked sick, pale and lank, and it broke Thor’s heart.  Slowly as if in water, Loki turned his head and looked up at Thor through the slits of squinted eyelids.  “Thor, what are y—?”

 

Without replying, Thor simply hauled Loki up into his arms and strode from the apartment.  He ignored Surtur’s half-assed protests and shut him down with a glare.  Loki himself was completely detached, limp and incoherent as his brother carried him along the passageway.  It wasn’t until Thor had carried him clear of the lobby that Loki began to rouse.

 

“Let me down,” he began, his voice still hoarse with sleep.  “I mean it, Thor – put me the fuck down!”

 

Thor ignored him until they reached the parking lot, where he placed Loki back onto his feet next to the truck.  “Get in.”

 

Loki simply turned and began walking away from both the car and the building, making it only a few steps before Thor caught him by his arm.  “Loki, _please_.”

 

Loki rounded on him, wrenching his arm free with a snarl.  His eyeliner was completely smudged and one side of his face was creased from sleeping awkwardly on Surtur’s couch, giving Loki a softer, less sever look, but the anger in his green eyes conceded no argument.  “Who the fuck do you think you are?  You’re not my master and I’m sure as hell not your slave, so just leave me the hell _alone_!”

 

“I’m your _brother_.”

 

Loki crossed his arms and rolled his eyes on a snort.  “Oh, _now_ you’re my brother.  How convenient for you.”

 

Thor glimpsed the old Loki then, even if it were for just a moment.  The one who would rip Thor to shreds with his wit and sharp tongue.  The sarcastic little shit that had been his whole heart.

 

“Please don’t leave, Loki.”

 

Loki lowered his head and whispered, “I’m already gone,” before walking away.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Thor didn’t know when he would ever get the chance to give Loki his present and, as the days drew on, the small wrapped parcel became somewhat of a tease every time Thor spied it laying on his desk.  When he returned from Surtur’s apartment on Sunday morning, it was there, seemingly mocking him for being so stupid and naïve.  His face crumpled in pain and he picked it up with every intention of hurling it into the waste paper bin near his door.

 

Instead, he sighed and took it to Loki’s room, where he left it laying atop the neatly made bed.  Thor looked around the ever impeccable room before he ran the backs of his fingers down the length of the mattress, smiling sadly to himself. 

 

Despite everything, Loki still gave his bed the crispest hospital corners Thor had ever seen.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Thor got back from picking up groceries for Frigga on Monday afternoon, he knew Loki was home.  His favourite coffee cup sat used in the sink and Loki’s house keys were in the bowl on the side table near the front door.  Seeing those small things should have been nothing to him, but the relief that Loki had returned was enough to release some phantom weight from Thor’s ribs.

 

The house was silent as he packed away the food.  When he was finished, Thor stood at the sink and drank a glass of water, his eyes staring out over the back yard, but not really seeing anything, knuckles white where he grasped the edge of the sink.

 

The house remained silent.

 

When he was finished, he rinsed his glass before padding his way upstairs. He found Loki sitting on the floor of his room, his back pressed against the foot of his unused bed, his shoulders hunched and his eyes closed.  His breathing was hitched and wet as if he’d been crying.

 

Thor’s present lay unwrapped and open against the duvet.

 

Thor stood on uncertain feet at the open doorway of his brother’s room, not sure if Loki knew he was there or not.  A minute passed and the quiet house continued to hum as Loki continued to sob.  Thor walked in slowly and sat on the bed near the end, but not so close as to make Loki feel trapped.  He wanted to reach out for his brother; wanted to gather him up in his arms and make whatever was hurting Loki go away.

 

But he couldn’t, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

 

So instead, he reached out and began combing his fingers through Loki’s hair where his head lay against the top of the mattress.  Loki didn’t speak or open his eyes, but Thor watched his face relax. It wasn’t exactly peaceful, but it was enough for Thor.

 

Eventually, the sun began to drop behind the hills; their parents would be due home from work soon.  Loki scrubbed his face with the ends of his sleeves and stood up, stretching.  Thor remained sitting on the bed as he watched Loki turn and meet his eyes.  There was such hollow inevitability reflected in the green depths that Thor felt an almost visceral tear in his heart when he realised it.

 

Everything had changed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Thor helped Odin set up and prepare dinner using the grill out on the deck that evening while Frigga stood at the sink, rinsing lettuce for their salad.   Before long, the chicken was cooked and Thor left Odin to shut down the grill while he brought the food inside.  He laughed at something his father said as he walked away carrying the tray of marinated chicken, only to pause at the door to openly stare at Loki, who had appeared on the other side of the room.  His arms were crossed, but his face bore no frown, instead Thor swore he could see desperation. 

 

Frigga looked up from her work to speak to Thor, following his gaze over to where her other son stood.  “Loki,” she whispered with a watery smile.

 

“Is there enough for me?” Loki asked.

 

Frigga choked on a sob and nodded.  “Of course, of course.  Come help me get the plates out.”

 

Thor hadn’t moved from where he stood.  The tray was hotter than comfortable against his palms where he carried it, but he endured it, looking on as Loki walked over to the cupboards and began to pull out the plates for their meal.  His glanced over at his mother as she stood holding her bowl of salad.  He could see the fragile hope in her eyes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Thor lay in his bed, wide awake in the dark stillness of the house.  He turned and looked at the angry red numbers glaring at him from his bedside clock – _2:16am_.

 

After dinner, Loki had excused himself as soon as it was acceptable, returning to his room without waiting for anyone to address him.  Odin didn’t seemed affected, continuing to eat his dinner without raising his eyes.  Frigga had opened her mouth to speak, but had only been met with the retreating back of her youngest.  Thor caught her gaze and smiled sadly.  “Baby steps,” she reasoned before returning to her own meal, even if somewhat subdued.

 

His heart squeezed painfully.

 

But now, as Thor lay staring at those numbers, his eyes squinting at the mockery of his situation, he sat up and placed his bare feet on the floor, the material of his sweats pulled tight across his lap as he held his head in his hands.  He had to let Loki know how he felt.  Right now, his brother was sleeping not twenty metres away, thinking himself alone in how he felt.  Thor went to grab a tee shirt to pull on, but decided to forego it, instead getting to his feet and making his way quietly to the room next to his, turning the knob and slipping inside, leaning back against the door to click it shut.  His fingers turned the lock, setting a finality in motion plans even he didn’t know would pan out.

 

He could tell Loki was awake; his breathing was far too measured, and much too fast.  There was soft, warm light arcing across the room from the small lamp on Loki’s desk and it afforded Thor a glimpse of his brother’s pale bare shoulder where it peeked above the top of his dark duvet cover.  Without asking, or alerting Loki of his intentions, Thor simply reached down and lifted the blanket, sliding in behind him.

 

“What the fuck are yo—”

 

Thor wrapped an arm around the bare skin of Loki’s belly and squeezed, probably a little harder than necessary.  “Shut up, Loki,” he growled into his ear.  “I don’t know where you are anymore, who you are.”

 

Loki began to squirm in earnest now, but Thor was always bigger and had no qualms about using it to his advantage.  He swung a muscled thigh over Loki’s hip, effectively pinning his thrashing legs.

 

“We’re going to talk about this eventually,” Thor whispered as they continued to jostle together across Loki’s sheets.  The blanket fell away to the floor as Thor squeezed his arms around the hot and clammy skin of Loki’s chest.  He could smell the damp musk of Loki’s body.  He pressed his nose to his throat and inhaled.

 

Loki hissed his displeasure for a moment longer before choking off a helpless sob, his body going limp in Thor’s arms.  “I hate you,” he cried softly.

 

Thor shook his head where it lay, pressed against Loki’s sharp shoulder blades.  “Don’t.”

 

Loki’s hand reached back suddenly, taking hold of Thor’s before dragging it down to where Loki’s cock lay hard confined within his boxer briefs.  “Hate me, you bastard,” he snarled, “I’m disgusting to want this.”  A pause.  “I w-want you to fuck me.”

 

“ _Loki_ ,” Thor tried to say.  He wanted to tell him so much.  He wanted his brother to know that he wasn’t alone – that he wanted him just as much, but the words were stuck.  Instead, he pulled his hand free of Loki’s hold, slipping in past the waistband to take the hard length into his fist, stroking it firmly, wanting Loki to react.

 

“Why?”

 

A breath.  “Loki.”

 

“ _Why_ …?”  Loki sobbed, tilting his hips as he fucked up into Thor’s hand.  “You left me.  You’re going to leave me again.”

 

“I always come back to you, Lo.”  He pressed his lips to the heated skin of Loki’s nape.  “It’s always been you.”

 

“Liar.  Hate me!”

 

“I can’t,” he breathed.  “Never could.”

 

Loki’s breathing hitched wetly in his throat.  “I need you to hate me.”

 

“ _Never_.”

 

His hand began pumping Loki faster, twisting at the end to spread the sticky pre-come that gathered there before losing what little patience he had and roughly pulling the briefs, albeit awkwardly down his thighs.  Loki sighed and hummed between his sobs of _hate you, fuck me_ and _Thor_.  Thor could never deny his brother and relinquished his hold on Loki’s cock to reach down and pull his own hard length from the confines of his sweats.  He ached sweetly as his hand clenched tightly around his cock, knowing he needed to slow down, but at the same time needing to press himself into the tightness of his brother’s warmth.  He had wanted it for so long and he was finally here – he was finally going to show Loki how he _really_ felt.  He slowly pressed himself into the crack of Loki’s ass, rubbing the slick head back and forth across the clenching pucker.  Pre-come was dribbling freely now, his body thrumming in anticipation.

 

“You think I don’t feel this,” Thor breathed against the nape of Loki’s neck as he continued to rut his cock between Loki’s cheeks.  “You’re not some pity fuck, _Jesus_ Loki!  So many times I’ve imagined fucking you.”  He pressed the tacky head of his dick at the throbbing ring of Loki’s hole harder, teasing him, but pulling back to resume thrusting along his crack after a few passes.  Loki hissed his displeasure at Thor’s games, but arched his back in acquiesce nonetheless.  “So many times I’ve imagined tasting you.  Loving you so perfectly.”  He dragged his tongue along the warm length of Loki’s throat, squeezing at his hip with an impatient hand as his teeth scraped along Loki’s jawline.  “I used to wish we still shared a room like we did when we were younger.  I want so much to be close to you.”

 

Loki choked on a sob before reaching back to drag Thor’s hand back to his neglected cock where it lay hanging heavy and weeping pre-come on the sheets in front of him.  “Touch me here,” he whispered.  “Touch me here and fuck my ass.”

 

_Oh god._

 

Thor squeezed the hot length in his hand before leaving it to take hold of Loki’s hip, rolling him onto his back and moving to cover his bucking body with his own.  Loki brought his hands up and dragged Thor down to attack his mouth with kisses, more desperate than sweet, but Thor returned them with all the love and passion he had kept inside, sucking Loki’s bottom lip between his teeth and nipping none too gently.  The sting was bitterly sweet as it settled inside his chest, but Thor ignored it by licking and biting his way down Loki’s body.  The breeze coming through the open window carried away Loki’s whimper as his hands squeezed at Thor’s biceps, his nails pressing crescents into Thor’s skin. 

 

Thor pressed his lips to the flushed skin of Loki’s chest.  “Loki, you’re so beautiful,” he whispered against him.  “You’re amazing.”

 

He knew a few sweet sentiments whispered against him in the dead of night wouldn’t change much.  Loki was far too sardonic to be calmed with mere pretty words.  He knew they had far to go, but Thor was prepared.  He would wait for Loki to join him at his college.  Only one year and he knew even with everything that had happened, Loki would make it happen.  Loki was too intelligent for his own good.

 

He flicked his tongue across Loki’s nipple, smiling with wicked satisfaction when it pebbled against his teeth.  He continued to tease it, swirling his tongue and nipping gently while revelling in the tiny moans that escaped Loki’s throat.  He wanted to own them all, to be both their creator and their death.  Crawling back up Loki’s body, Thor captured his brother’s beautiful mouth in a harsh kiss, pressing him deeper into the mattress as he brought their hips together and lush, grinding rolls.

 

Another gentle breeze billowed the curtains and danced across their bare skin, but this time it was Thor’s mouth that stole Loki’s moan, locking it away inside and giving Loki back a moan of his own.

 

Loki rolled his hips up, grinding their cocks together, eliciting quiet groans to spill around their joined lips.  “No, I’m not.  I hate you, I hate me,” he sobbed even while his hips rolled faster against Thor and his head thrown back, breaking their kiss apart.  “Don’t stop, oh god don’t stop.  _Fuck_!”

 

“I’m not going to stop,” Thor groaned, biting at Loki’s jaw.  “I’m going to fuck you.”

 

Suddenly, his gasping brother reached out and fumbled through his bedside drawer before dropping a bottle of lube into Thor’s hand.  “Hurry.”

 

As he sat up to kneel between Loki’s long, pale legs, Thor hefted the bottle with a frown.  “Half empty,” he growled darkly.  “Been busy?”

 

“Like I would ever let anyone see me like this,” Loki hissed, bringing his hands up to cover his face.  “I can’t believe I’m letting _you_ see me like this.”

 

“Doesn’t explain the bottle,” Thor continued with jealousy blazing through his veins, ignoring Loki’s mortification to drag his hands from his face without remorse and stare down at his lovely brother, laying there with his wild eyes and mussed hair.  “Been fucking yourself then?”

 

Loki stared directly into Thor’s eyes.  “Yes.”

 

“While thinking about me?”

 

“ _Yes_.”

 

“Mmmm, I think I like knowing that,” Thor hummed, reaching down to pull on his cock a few times and slapping Loki’s hand away when he tried to follow suit.  He tsk’ed his younger brother before leaning down to run his tongue along the hard length of Loki’s cock.  “Not yet, it’s still my turn.”

 

He pretended not to hear the small squeak that Loki made, instead drawing the wet head into his mouth, giving it a lazy suck before letting it fall away to slap against Loki’s abs.

 

Thor bit down on his bottom lip as he uncapped the bottle and drizzled a thick stream of the clear liquid over his hand.  Most missed, landing on the sheet in shiny drops, but he didn’t care.  He didn’t care about anything but what was about to happen.  Slowly he brought his hand down, slipping his fingers beneath Loki’s sac to slide against his hole and press against the fluttering muscle.  He felt it yield slightly and let his finger slip in, the slick of lube allowing Thor to slide effortlessly to his first knuckle.  Loki felt so soft, so hot inside.  Loki arched back with a moan, grinding his hips as Thor began pulling and pushing his finger, adding a second finger when he felt the muscle soften and stretch.

 

“Touch yourself, baby,” Thor sighed as his hand continued to pump his sticky fingers.

 

Loki shook his head and tried to turn away, only for Thor to slide his fingers free and roll him back.  Thor took hold of Loki’s pillow and yanked it away before lowering himself across Loki’s body, his lips and teeth latching onto the smooth column of Loki’s throat.

 

“I’m going to keep fucking you open on my fingers and you’re going to touch yourself while I watch,” Thor whispered huskily.  “Because you’re beautiful and sexy and I can’t think of anything I’d rather see than my gorgeous brother jerk his cock while I fuck him.”  He scraped his teeth down Loki’s throat and felt the moan Loki gave as much as he heard it.  Thor hummed and sat up, settling between Loki’s legs once more and watched as his brother’s hand slide down to take hold of his leaking cock with lust-blown eyes.  Thor pressed two fingers back in roughly, letting the corner of his mouth curl when Loki hissed at the sudden intrusion.

 

“Yeah, that’s good,” he huffed, delirious with lust.  The pale light peeking through the billowing curtains moved across their bodies in contrast to the warm light of the lamp, throwing out stilted shadows across the walls and washing them in an eerie glimmer; Loki became paler than bone and Thor’s own limbs became iridescent, the tiny hairs almost glowing against his heated skin.

 

He added a third finger when Loki began rocking back trying to drag him in, his desperate whines music to Thor’s ears.  He rubbed the smooth, heated rim of Loki’s ass with even strokes, massaging it and enjoying the satisfaction of feeling the muscle stretch, no doubt burning his brother.  He knew the sting all too well himself – the pleasure of coming on his own fingers alone, his brother’s name upon his lips and a copious pool of come against his stomach.

 

“Fuck me now,” Loki cried softly as he squeezed the base of his cock.  “I want to come with you inside me, Thor.”

 

Loki look wrecked, laying beneath Thor with his free hand tangled in his hair, knotted from pulling at it in frustration.  Thor leaned down to kiss away the tears from the corners of his eyes, his hand not slowing as it continued to work Loki open.  “We’re almost there, baby.  Just a little more.”

 

Loki shook his head and sobbed out a defiant “ _no, now_ ” just as Thor’s resolve began to crumble.

 

And Thor could never deny Loki anything.

 

“Okay.  Okay,” he breathed, leaning back to slide his fingers free of Loki’s puffy, red ass.  It was slick and hot and the squelch was exquisite.  Thor wanted to lean down and taste him; to run his tongue along the rim and dip into that sweet, little channel, but instead he grabbed the lube and squeezed out more along his cock. “I wanna eat you out, baby, but I don’t think I would last after tasting you.”  Loki gasped and Thor suddenly worried he had gone too far, but Loki’s eyes were dark, darker than he’d ever seen them.  His mouth was open on an ‘O’ – he looked anything but dissuaded.

 

He spread the slick along his cock, pre-come mixing in with the lube from where it dripped freely in anticipation before dragging his hands across the sheets to wipe it away.  When he looked back on this night, Thor knew it was the night he was both the happiest and freest he had ever been, and that no matter what happened, first and foremost, Loki would always be _his_.

 

His fingers slid softly along Loki’s legs, spreading them open before leaning down and pressing into his brother.  Thor felt the stretch until the muscle popped and Loki took him in all the way, both of them hissing once it happened.  Thor didn’t stop until his hips were flush against Loki’s ass and he sobbed at how wonderful he felt, leaning down to press kisses against Loki’s panting mouth as he did.

 

Perfect, so perfect.

 

Thor sat up, dragging Loki by the hips up into the cradle of his lap and watched as his brother dropped his arms onto the sheets either side of his head as he let his cock slowly slide out, the slick glide of their heated skin glistening in the muted light.  Loki’s earlier impatience seemed to have dissipated, settling him into a euphoric stupor, his pupil blown out and a look of eager want across his face.  Thor kept his eyes on him as he pushed back in, smirking as Loki threw his head back and _moaned_.

 

“So good,” Thor breathed, rolling his hips to create a steady rhythm.  “You feel so good.”

 

Loki bit his lip and began rocking his hips in time with Thor, who smiled because he knew it was killing Loki to show how much he was enjoying himself.  “You like this, yeah?  Does it feel good to have me fuck you?”

 

“Shut up _ahhhhhh_ ,” Loki’s voice bit out just as Thor’s cock clipped his prostate.

 

Thor would never admit to deliberately changing the angle of his thrusts to relentlessly push against Loki’s prostate, but seeing him squeeze his eyes shut and stifle his sobbing moans gave Thor sadistic validation.  He loved his taciturn brother and if he couldn’t have his love, he would at least have his pleasure.

 

He spread his hands out across the splay of Loki’s pelvis, his pale skin taut where Thor’s fingers pressed in.  He wanted to mark him.  He wanted Loki to see those small purple blemishes and remember every moment of this night.  He began speeding up his thrusts, humming as he watched Loki take hold of his cock and jerk himself off in time with his thrusts while he licked his other fingers and pinching his nipples.

 

Watching Loki draw his pleasure had Thor tumbling forward to crash their lips together.  Their kiss was not elegant; it was messy and loud and really no more than them sharing breath while their bodies rocked faster and faster together.  Heat began to pool deep in Thor’s gut, heralding his impending orgasm.  He wanted to stave it, but he had waited for this moment for so long that he didn’t think he was capable.  He wanted to have this with Loki.  No one else would ever have this.

 

“Oh god, Loki!  I’m going to come—” Thor’s hands tightened on Loki hips as his thrusts became erratic, suddenly realising he hadn’t used a condom.  He needed to pull out, he needed to…

 

“In me,” Loki hissed, “ _do it!_   Come inside.”

 

“Oh Loki,” Thor cried softly and pushed his face into the crook of Loki’s throat as he felt the first jet of hot come paint the inside of Loki’s body.  “Loki, _fuck_ ,” he continued to whisper against the damp skin, his breaths heaving and full of tears as he rode out his orgasm, his thrusts stunted and hard as his cock continued to pulse deep inside.  His hands carded through Loki’s tangled hair before he reached down between them to grasp Loki’s cock, pushing Loki’s own hand away to take over.  In all the times he had imagined fucking his beautiful brother, Thor had never known such pleasure.  Loki was made for him, he had never known someone to fit so perfectly.  “Come on, Loki.”  His voice was rough and desperate.

 

Loki’s hips rocked up against Thor where his softening cock still sat nestled in his ass, the vulgar squelching only urging the brother’s hips to roll faster.  Loki’s panting became hotter until he suddenly held his breath and Thor heard nothing but his own laboured breathing.  A few strokes later and a simple drawn-out _fuuuuuuck_ announced Loki’s orgasm, his cock jumping in Thor’s hand and the hot come dripping down his hand the sweetest feeling in the world.

 

Loki went limp in Thor’s arms, his chest dragging ragged lungful’s of air as Thor gently lowered himself to lay beside him.  Loki’s pulse was raging, Thor could feel it throbbing where he was pressed on his heated skin.  Thor’s own pulse was racing – it felt like it would never slow again – that it would always thrum in Loki’s presence.

 

Minutes passed, their bodies still joined.  Still hot, but oh so silent.  Eventually Thor’s mind began to think about Loki’s reactions; angry, jealous, irrational.  Did he still truly not believe Thor’s feelings?

 

He brushed soft lips into Loki’s hair even as his arms tightened their hold.  He received no reaction.  Thor was torn.  He would always want Loki; that much he knew.  What they had just done was wrong, so very wrong.

 

Thor had never known wrongness to feel contrary, though.  He hadn’t realised how incomplete he had been before.  Like there had been something missing.  Now he knew.

 

He was complete right now, in Loki’s arms.

 

Slowly, Thor pulled his hips back until his soft cock finally slipped free, his brother’s hissing the only indication he was still awake.  With gentle hands, Thor ran trembling fingers around the angry rim, kissing the pulse behind Loki’s ear and smiling when Loki hummed.  He was so wet and Thor was smug in knowing his come was right now leaking out of him, like a brand.  Because he put it there, Loki was _his_!  He slipped a finger inside, rubbing the velvet walls and pushing more of his come out around his digits.  He could smell it, so damp the air around them.  He nipped at Loki’s ear lobe, which heralded a growl from him.

 

“You think you own me?” he hissed.

 

“No,” Thor sighed, “you own me.”

 

Loki suddenly turned in Thor’s arm, causing his probing fingers to slip free.  He took hold of Thor’s face and pulled him closer.  “I hate you,” his voice cracked on a sob, pressing his mouth to Thor’s and letting his tongue slip wetly into his brother’s as hot palms pressed and kneaded at his biceps.

 

Thor returned the kiss, his own hands squeezing at Loki’s hips, too sharp, too lovely.  Loki was all Thor could see; he was blind to anything around him.  The room was so quiet and yet for all the din in Thor’s mind, his heart was resolute.  With a soft sigh against Loki’s lips, he curled his fingers across the soft rise of his cheeks before slipping between them once more to glide back into Loki’s wet, stretched hole.

 

“I love you,” he countered.

 

“It’s the same thing.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> My [tumblr](http://www.fourletterwordsstartingwithl.tumblr.com)


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